


He Loves Me Not, He Loves Me

by CliffordAffliction



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Birthday, Car Accidents, Cashton, Hospitals, House Party, Luke will come into the story later, M/M, More tags to be added, What else is new, sad fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-16
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-10-06 04:34:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10325705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CliffordAffliction/pseuds/CliffordAffliction
Summary: Calum confesses his love to Ashton after years of deep feelings for him and it doesn’t go well; two days later Ashton gets in a car accident and it changes everything.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is an idea I’ve been thinking about for a while now. I have a feeling this will be a very difficult fic to write at times (and I only have one chapter queued up after this) so you guys are going to have to be patient with me. Sometimes I like when you guys message me and ask when the next update will be but most of the time it just stresses me out honestly and makes me feel bad so just know that I will update when I can. I don’t mean to start this fic off with a negative message but I just had to say that. Anyways...enjoy!

Calum was almost to the point where he was biting his fingernails completely off as he sat in a pool chair watching everyone else have the time of their life while he sat here feeling like he was going to throw up from being so nervous. 

The vibe was just right as everyone was either swimming in the large pool, with only the backdoor lights brightening the area, or they were sitting around drinking and laughing and Calum wished that he could join in like he usually would but he just couldn’t. 

He had been dreaming of doing this for years, ever since he first realized that he had feelings for his best friend, and now he was finally planning on doing it. He had rehearsed what he was going to say so many times and he was sure he finally had it right. 

It maybe wasn’t the smartest idea to do this on the day of Ashton’s birthday party where his head was full of so many other things but Calum just couldn’t hold off any longer; he had to do this now or else he never would. 

Michael had been his right hand man through all of this, he was the one who talked Calum into telling Ashton in the first place and if it wasn’t for Michael Calum probably would have kept his feelings for Ashton bottled up for the rest of his life and he would eventually have to see Ashton marry someone else. 

That thought right there was what did it for him. Calum thought about the fact that Ashton might marry someone someday that wasn’t him and it made Calum want to throw up. 

It wasn’t as if Calum was so cocky that he was sure that Ashton felt the same about him and that they would live happily ever after with tons of dogs but somewhere in the back of his mind Calum felt like Ashton might feel the same and it was that sliver of hope that made him promise himself that he was going to let Ashton know how he felt. 

He had wanted to do it as soon as the party died down a bit, and it had, but the only problem was that Ashton was nowhere to be seen and every few seconds Calum would scope out the whole backyard and even look into the empty house behind him. It was such a beautiful night that there was no way Ashton would be in there anyways but Calum just had to make sure. 

Calum had sent out a few texts to Ashton too but of course there was no answer which really worried Calum because Ashton was the type of person that would respond back at lightning speed as if he always had his phone lying right on his lap. 

Calum felt himself relaxing just a tad when he saw Michael walking towards him. The boy was clearly a bit drunk as his eyes were lazy and he had this dopey ass smile on his face that made it seem like he had just gotten laid and maybe he had. 

“Hey there, grumpy pants” Michael said as he sat at the end of the long pool chair that Calum was on “Why aren’t you swimming or something?” 

Calum glared at Michael for a few seconds but then he realized that intoxicated Michael probably didn’t remember what he was planning on doing tonight. 

“I can’t find Ash” Calum whined then put his hands over his face “Michael I was gonna tell him how I feel tonight...remember?” 

Michael pressed his lips together and squinted his eyes like he was thinking really hard then he was smiling and looking excited. 

“Shit yeah...yeah I remember. Oh man” Michael began looking all over too as if Calum hadn’t already searched this area a hundred times by now “I don’t know where he is but he can’t be too far...this is is party after all” 

“Yeah I know” Calum started to bite at his fingernails again and even in the state that he was in Michael still lightly grabbed his hand and made Calum stop “Michael, I’m freaking out. Maybe this is a sign that I shouldn’t tell him; at least not tonight” 

“No” Michael said sternly and Calum widened his eyes “You need to...you need to tell him that you love him Calum. If you don’t you will always regret it and then you’ll die alone with a bunch of turtles that you named Ralph” 

“That’s awfully specific, Mike” Calum said plainly and he looked away but then Michael was hitting his leg, wanting his attention again. 

“Cal, I’m serious” he whined then he was quickly standing up and dragging Calum with him “I’ll help you find him; come on” 

Michael grabbed Calum’s hand and started pulling him towards the house and soon they were stepping inside and all of the loud talking and splashings sounds behind them ceased. 

It was more peaceful in the house and Calum felt his nerves dying down a bit but he knew they could come back at any second. 

“Oh shit...wait” Michael stopped and then put a hand on his head “Ashton- I saw Ash going up the stairs but I think that was awhile ago” 

“How long ago was it, Michael?” Calum said quickly, trying to make Michael focus on him and remember. 

“I don’t know..I don’t have any sense of time right now; it’s weird” Michael started to rub at his head again as he stared out into space and Calum let out a breath, realizing that Michael was literally no use to him right now. Even sober Michael had no sense of time so he was pretty much fucked when it came to Michael giving him information. 

“Okay” Calum patted his back then looked into the living room “Just go watch TV and I will find Ashton on my own” 

“You sure?” Michael looked so concerned as he looked at Calum with glossy eyes and Calum just wished that Michael was sober right now so that he could really talk to him about how scared he was right now. He was so fucking terrified of how Ashton was going to react and he just wanted all of this to be over with. 

“Yeah” Calum lied and started leading Michael towards the leather couch “I’ll be fine” 

Michael took a double look at him but then he was shrugging and sitting back on the couch with his head resting against the back of it and he could already see him starting to doze off, any second he would be completely asleep. 

Calum took the blanket off of the couch and gently laid it over Michael before he started to walk backwards. He knew he was just stalling as he watched how cute Michael looked as he cuddled into the blanket and laid down but he just couldn't help it. 

Finally he was walking up the stairs and hoping that Ashton was somewhere up there. 

Ashton’s room was the first door as he started to walk down the dark hall so of course it was the first place that he was going to check. What he didn’t expect was to see that the the door was closed. 

Calum felt bad thoughts running through his mind of Ashton hooking up with some girl in there and he took his hand away from the knob as if it had burned him. He knew that couldn’t be because Ashton just wasn’t the hook up type; although maybe he would be if he was drunk. 

God, Calum hood Ashton wasn’t drunk though. He needed the man to be sober when they had this talk so Ashton would really hear him out and not mistake his words for something else. Calum even made sure to stay sober himself tonight, no matter how many times he wanted to down some alcohol to calm his nerves. He just knew that his brain needed to be working properly if he was going to do this right. 

Calum ran over the layout of what he was going to say to Ashton once more before he was grabbing the knob again and opening the door right away this time before he lost the courage to. 

Calum was upset yet relieved at the same time when he saw that the room was empty. He knew he would have to continue his search but it also meant that he would have more time to prepare. He knew he had had plenty of time to prepare though, literally years, but he felt like he would never feel completely confident about it because telling Ashton this was just so damn important to him; Ashton was so important to him. 

“Looking for someone?” 

Calum jumped sky high at the cheeky voice behind him and he put hand over his chest as he breathed heavily then he was turning around to see the man chuckling at him. 

Ashton looked absolutely stunning to say the least. 

Calum hadn’t seen him all night since Ashton was nowhere to be found when he arrived at the party so all of this was so new to him and he was honestly speechless. 

Ashton was wearing a black button up shirt with his sleeves pushed up and a black snapback was on his head backwards as his curls fell halfway over his ears. Calum didn’t even dare to look down further but he knew the man was wearing his black skinny jeans that made his thighs look sinful. 

“Y-yeah actually” Calum finally answered and Ashton raised his eyebrows which made Calum start to get lost in him again. 

“Really? Do tell” Ashton smirked and Calum made himself look away and down the hall. 

“I was looking for you. I uh...I gotta talk to you, Ash” 

“Step into my office then, my boy” Ashton spoke so smooth like he always did then he was patting Calum’s shoulder and walking into his room. 

Calum clenched his eyes shut and took a few deep breaths before he was turning around and walking into the room too and his breath stuttered at the sight in front of him. 

Someone who didn’t have actual feelings for Ashton wouldn’t be bothered by the sight but since Calum was so in love with Ashton it was killing him to see Ashton sitting at the foot of the bed, leaned over with his elbows on his knees and his hands clasped. He was so focused on Calum and Calum’s stomach did a flip at the thought of Ashton actually loving him back. It sure felt like it with the way Ashton was looking at him. 

“Are you drunk?” Calum tried not to seem like he was being nosey or bitchy but he just had to know. 

Ashton of course did a surprise chuckle in response and Calum didn’t blame him. 

“Why? Am I in trouble?” 

“No” Calum felt himself smiling but it was gone in an instant “I just need to know that your head is clear...for when I tell you this” 

Ashton’s face went serious right then and he studied Calum’s face a bit, trying to read him. 

“No” Ashton spoke quietly “I mean I just had one beer; I’m fine though. You’re worrying me a bit, Cal” 

Calum just nodded because he knew he was acting strange and Ashton was surely beginning to freak out. 

Calum was having a hard time with this even more so now that it was actually happening. The realness was really setting in as Ashton sat in front of him waiting on him to say something and Calum knew he had to calm himself down a bit before he spoke. 

He took a deep breath and thought back to what he had been rehearsing in his head all day. 

“I just-” Calum clenched his eyes shut and when he opened them Ashton looked even more worried than before “I just need to tell you something; something that I’ve had on my mind for years...literally ever since we met” 

“Jesus, Cal” Ashton said quietly after Calum had stayed silent for almost a full minute “Just tell me, bub. Whatever it is I won’t judge you; I promise” 

As Calum looked at Ashton he was reminded once again of why he fell in love with him in the first place. Ashton was perfect and everything that Calum knew he wasn’t and thinking that made this all seem so much harder. 

“I’m just gonna say it” Calum spit out “I had this whole speech planned out to slowly work you into it but fuck it; my nerves are too intense to drag this whole thing out” 

Calum was looking to the floor the whole time he spoke that and he knew if he looked up at Ashton again he would lose his courage so he continued to look down but he could feel Ashton’s worried eyes on him. 

This was it. There was no going back now. 

“I have feelings for you” Calum said then he was instantly closing his eyes as if he was wishing that he could just vanish into thin air then act like this never happened; but it did happen and he actually heard Ashton’s intake of breath in front of him “And I have ever since I met you” 

It seemed like the air was getting thicker and thicker and it seemed like hours had gone by without anyone talking. 

Calum knew he had to look up and face this head on but he wished he would have just ran out of the room instead and jumped off a bridge. 

Ashton was the most pale that Calum had ever seen him and his eyes were the size of saucers but in a second after Calum looked up at him Ashton was shaking his head and his eyes were returning to their normal size as if he was trying to cover up how shocked he was. 

“You…” Ashton began but then he was putting a hand through his hair “You’re in love with me?” 

And Calum didn’t expect the man to say that to him. It was a loaded question but the answer was “yes” and Calum had known it for quite some time now. He didn’t want to freak out Ashton even more but he also didn’t want to lie to him. 

If this did work out for the better and Ashton did have feelings for him back Calum didn’t want their relationship to start on a lie. 

“Yeah, I am” Calum said with more confidence than he had earlier but then he was quick to stop himself “I mean I am but I don’t expect you to love me back and I know this is a lot to put on you but I just had to tell you; I couldn’t go on any longer without telling you” 

Ashton only seemed to be more freaked out after that and he was letting out a breath as he rubbed a hand over his face but then he was keeping his face in his hands and leaning forward; Calum felt like he was going to throw up at any second. 

“Calum” Ashton seemed like he was in so much pain and it had Calum feeling very confused. 

Ashton was then looking at him again and his cheeks were red and Calum swore he saw tears in his eyes but that had to be impossible; he had never seen Ashton cry. 

“Calum” Ashton tried again but he sounded just as hurt “You’re my best friend. You mean more to me than fucking anyone but I just-” Ashton cut himself off and took a deep breath as he looked out the window to the side of them. 

Calum knew though; he could see it in Ashton’s eyes and he knew what Ashton was going to tell him. He took a few steps back, just wanting to bolt but something evil it seemed was holding him there and making him stand there and listen to Ashton turning him down and tearing his heart in two. 

“I just don’t see you like that, Calum” Ashton spoke just barely above a whisper and he couldn’t even look at Calum. Calum thought that it was better that way because then Ashton wouldn’t see the tears falling down his cheeks “I’m sorry that I don’t...I honestly wish that I did” 

“O-okay” Calum started nodding fast and he was quick to wipe his tears away when he knew Ashton was going to look up at him but it was no use because he knew his eyes were beat red with how badly he was crying “Okay well...I’m sorry if I ruined your night with all of this. It was stupid for me to put all of this on you tonight and I’m just gonna-” Calum pointed towards the door with his thumb and tried to seem as normal as he could but he knew Ashton saw through it. 

Calum sniffled before he was turning towards the door fast. 

“Calum, please don’t leave” Ashton said quickly and Calum heard footsteps behind him. 

Calum stopped but he didn’t dare turn around. 

“I have to” Calum whispered because he did have to leave. He couldn’t be here anymore and he was so close to just collapsing on the floor and crying until he was sick with how he felt right now. He had never had his heartbroken but right now he was sure that Ashton had just broken it into a million pieces. 

“No, just wait” Ashton’s tone was different but it seemed not like him at all and Calum was worried “I mean just give me a little time...maybe in time I can love you back and-and we can be together and-” 

“Ashton” Calum whispered then he felt a sob rip through him and he was putting a hand over his mouth to try and stop more from coming out “I’m not going to make you love me. I get it, okay?” 

Calum was trying so hard to be strong but it was difficult to make his words have meaning when he was crying so badly and they were laced with so much pain. Calum started walking again but he only got to the doorway before Ashton was speaking again. 

“No no, Calum don’t leave” he said with just as much desperation as before and Calum put a hand over his face as he leaned against the wall, literally feeling like his legs were going to give out at any second “What if I am in love with you but I just don’t know it? That’s possible isn’t it?” 

Calum understood what Ashton was doing and it was making him fall even harder for the boy and that was the last thing he needed right now. Ashton was doubting himself and creating “what if” scenarios just to make Calum feel better and to try and heal him and Calum couldn’t take it any longer. He needed to leave and he needed to get away from this man who he seemed to be falling for even harder by the second. 

“Ashton, it’s okay” Calum whispered and that was when he finally turned around to face Ashton and he had never seen his best friend look so weak. 

Calum thought he was going to say more to the man but he felt himself closing off again as he looked at Ashton. 

He turned around again but this time he didn’t turn back, no matter how many times Ashton told him to stop. 

*

When Calum got down the stairs he started running to the front door, just needing to get far away from Ashton and everything that he had just said. He regretted everything and he felt like he was losing his best friend already, all because he had to admit his feelings. 

As he was running through the living room he accidently knocked a vase over but the loud sound didn’t even reach his ears with everything else that was going through his mind right now. 

He finally made it outside and he was collapsing onto the grass and then bringing his knees to his chest as he started to rock back and forth. He could feel his heartbeat all over his body as he tried to calm down his breathing but it wasn’t working and this time no one was here to help him get his breathing back to normal. 

“Calum!” the voice seemed miles away and Calum just kept his head resting on his knees as he was finally letting himself crumble as the tears fell down his face. 

“Cal” there were hands on his shoulders now and Calum wanted to shy away from it but he felt himself leaning into it instead “Calum, talk to me” 

Calum was just shaking his head, not even being able to speak, and then he felt Michael wrapping his arms around him and bringing him into his chest and it only made Calum cry more. 

“He doesn’t l-love me” Calum whimpered out and he began to shake and he just felt Michael hold him tighter. 

“Fuck” Michael choked out and he brought one hand to start carding it through the back of Calum’s hair “I can’t fucking believe this” 

Calum could hear both the sadness and the anger in Michael’s voice and Calum was actually scared that Michael was going to hurt Ashton. 

Calum could have stayed on Ashton’s lawn all night and he honestly wanted to because leaving the man's house kind of felt like he was losing his best friend. He felt like it would be all over as soon as he left but then he realized that maybe it already was. 

*

Calum woke up the next morning feeling like he had a hangover despite the fact that he hadn’t had even a sip of alcohol last night. He quickly realized that the sickly feeling in his stomach and chest was heartbreak and he honestly wished that he was hungover instead. He even started to wish that he was dead with how awful he felt. 

He felt the need to be close to Ashton and to be held by the boy but at the same time he wanted to be far away from him so he could somehow forget all about him. 

He knew that wasn’t realistic though. Ashton could disappear for years and Calum would still be in love with him. 

Calum shifted a bit and he felt an arm around his waist from behind. He let out a breath and snuggled further back into Michael, so happy that the boy was still here in the morning but it was Michael so Calum wouldn’t expect anything less. In fact he was sure that Michael wouldn’t leave his side for weeks if he had to.

Calum was then turning around and nuzzling his face into Michael’s neck and he felt the man's hand tighten around him a bit before loosening up again. 

“How are you feeling?” Michael spoke in his low morning voice and Calum could feel the vibration of it against his chest. 

“Sick” Calum said quietly and even his voice sounded so worn out “And I feel like I’ll be like this for the rest of my life; like it won’t ever go away” 

“It will” Michael was quick to say as he started rubbing up and down Calum’s spine with the tips of his fingers. 

Calum backed up a bit and he could see the black bags under Michael’s eyes like he had barely even slept last night and Calum hoped he wasn’t to blame. 

Suddenly Calum was looking past Michael to see Michael’s phone lighting up and he squinted to see that Michael had 5 missed calls. 

“You have five missed calls” Calum voiced, just wanting to talk about anything else other than his depressed feelings. 

“They’re from Ashton” Michael spoke and Calum let out a breath “He knows I’m with you but I’m not fucking talking to him” 

Calum felt a warmness in his chest at how sad and upset Michael was for him but then he started to feel guilty. 

“Please don’t be mad at, Ashton” even saying his name had Calum shivering and starting to tear up. 

“He hurt you, Calum. How could I not be mad at him?” Michael’s words were sharp but Calum knew it wasn’t directed at him. 

“He didn’t mean to and he tried to make it better but I just couldn’t be there anymore. I had to leave” 

Calum still remembers how much Ashton tried to make himself believe that he loved Calum back. 

“He’s lucky that I don’t go over there and kick his fucking ass and-” 

“Michael” Calum said softly as he shook his head and rubbed at the man's arm to calm him down “If you hurt him you would be hurting me too” 

Michael didn’t say anything back and instead just let out a breath and buried his face in the pillow. 

Calum looked over to see Michael’s phone silently ringing once again and he had to resist himself to not reach over and answer it. He knew he couldn’t actually handle talking to Ashton right now..or ever; it sure felt that way. 

*

When Calum had finally gotten out of bed he didn’t feel any better like Michael said he would but he didn’t blame his best friend, Michael was just trying to help and Calum wished that he could be helped but at this point it seemed like he would be like this forever. 

Before Calum had talked to Ashton he thought he was prepared for rejection but he soon realized that he wasn’t even close to ready for it. Hearing Ashton say those words to him were the hardest things he has ever had to hear and it almost made it worse when Ashton was so obviously getting upset with himself for the way that he was feeling. 

Calum knew that no one could help who they had feelings for and who they didn’t so he didn’t blame Ashton at all for the way he felt. If anything Calum was upset with himself for even falling in love with Ashton in the first place. Even back when they were first becoming friends he should have known how far Ashton was out of his league. 

Calum just wanted Ashton to happy even if it wasn’t with him, even though he would prefer it that way, and he knew he would just have to allow himself to heal after this. He might heal one day but Calum was almost positive that a part of him would always be in love with Ashton, he knew he would never be able to fully let the man go out of his heart and that was the scariest part of all. 

“Cal” came Michael’s soft voice behind him and Calum looked back from his place on the couch to see his friend holding a coffee cup in his hand “Do you want some tea?” 

The thought of drinking or eating anything right now made Calum want to be sick but he knew he had to at least get some liquids in him or he really would end up getting sick. 

He just nodded and watched as Michael walked around the couch to carefully hand it to him. 

Calum rested back in the couch with a blanket wrapped around him as he started to take sips of it and he did actually start to feel very cozy; he has no idea what he would do without Michael. 

If he didn’t have Michael he would probably still be laying on Ashton’s front yard sobbing his eyes out. 

Despite everything he was going through though he still felt himself wondering how Ashton was doing. When Ashton was telling Calum that he didn’t feel the same it was obvious how much he hated saying it and how much it was killing him and Calum could still remember the look on his face; he feels like he always would. 

The couch was sinking in next to him and Michael was sitting down next to him with his own cup of tea and Calum closed his eyes before he was resting the tea on the end table and then he let his head fall against Michael’s shoulder. It was no secret that Calum loved affection but he was almost desperate for it now. 

Michael rested his head on the top of Calum’s and Calum heard the man let out a sigh. 

“I wish I knew how to make you feel better” 

Michael whispered it, almost like he was just voicing his thoughts instead of actually saying it to Calum, and Calum felt his chest hurting again. 

“You are making me feel better” Calum was quick to say back because it was true. He may still be sad but if it wasn’t for Michael he knew he would be way worse off than he is. 

Michael just shook his head in response like Calum wasn’t understanding him. 

“No...wish I could make it all go away” 

Calum pressed his lips together and closed his eyes as he snuggled closer to Michael as he wished for that too. 

*

When the doorbell was ringing a few hours later Calum knew who it was right away. Ashton had been calling the both of them all morning and Calum wasn’t surprised to see that Ashton was just taking it into his own hands and showing up at Michael’s house. 

Calum looked over at Michael, nervously chewing on his lip, as he waited for what Michael was going to do because Calum didn’t want to have to be the one to decided even though it was his problem. 

A part of him wanted to see Ashton because he just missed the boy and he wanted to mend this thing between them but another part of him didn’t want to see Ashton at all. He was hoping that time apart would help them and maybe they could just forget all about what happened. 

Michael seemed to be torn on what to do too but then he was standing up quickly, with a furious look on his face, and Calum was sure that Michael was on his way to tell Ashton to leave. 

Calum was turning around in his spot on the couch so his chin was resting on the back of it and he watched as Michael was walking towards breezeway and then he was disappearing behind the corner so he was out of sight. 

Calum knew he wouldn’t be able to hear what was being said and before he could even think about the fact that hearing Ashton’s voice might make things even worse he was jumping off the couch and getting right behind the wall where Michael was directly on the other side. 

“...no, I don’t think it’s that easy, Ashton” Calum cringed at how emotionless Michael was making his voice seem as he spoke to Ashton. It was as if they weren’t even friends and Calum knew it was all his fault. 

“Mike,come on. Just let me talk to him. I need to see him” Ashton sounded so worn out and sad and Calum closed his eyes and leaned his head against the wall. 

Everything about this situation was a disaster and Calum felt like this one thing was going to rip apart their friendship and he knew he would never forgive himself. 

“It’s been a day” Michael snapped “Just give him a little time to heal and then you can talk to him. You fucking broke his heart, Ashton” 

There was silence for a few seconds and Calum wanted to put his head around the corner so badly to see what was going on but then he heard someone let out a swear under their breath and he was sure that it was Ashton. 

“I didn’t want to break his heart” Ashton spoke quietly “I just didn’t want to lie to him. I swear to you I would never intentionally hurt, Calum; You know I wouldn’t” 

“Just-” Michael began and Calum heard someone twisting the doorknob “Just go home, okay?” 

“I can’t. I can’t be there and know that he’s here feeling miserable” 

“He’s fine” Michael’s sharp voice made Calum jump “He’s fine here with me. Just fucking leave” 

“Michael just-” the door was slamming and Calum should have ran back to the couch to make it seem like he wasn’t spying on them but he felt frozen as tears started to run down his face again and he was leaning his forehead against the wall.

Michael was coming around the corner but he was taking a double look and stopping in his tracks when he saw Calum. 

“Cal” Michael whispered and that upset tone that he had been using with Ashton was completely gone now. 

As Michael looked at Calum Calum could tell that Michael knew he was indeed not fine at all. 

*

For some reason trying to sleep tonight was even harder than falling asleep last night after it had just happened. 

Calum was lying on his back, looking up at the couple of glow in the dark stars on Michael’s ceiling that he had forgotten to take off from when he was little, and he kept looking over at his friend next to him that was fast asleep. 

Michael was lying on his stomach with his arms under the pillow as he was breathing out of his mouth and Calum wished that he was sleeping too so that he could stop thinking about his broken heart, even if it was only for a few hours. 

Calum thought he was imagining it when he heard footsteps out in the hallway, steadily getting closer, and he was quick to pull the covers up to his face as he actually started to get scared of what was coming to get him. 

When the figure stopped in the doorway Calum actually wished that it was some monster coming to kill him. Anything would be better than the person standing there. 

Ashton was dressed in just gray sweatpants and a plain white shirt and it was weird to see him ever leave his house wearing his pajamas. 

The light from outside was the only thing that was even allowing Calum to see right now and he jumped a bit when Ashton started to walk into the room. 

As he got closer Calum felt himself wanting to shy away and just hide under the covers but he knew that would be such a cowardly thing to do. 

Ashton was then squatting down right next to the bed as he looked down at the covers and ran his fingers across it and Calum just wanted him to say something, since it was obvious important if he had left the house at 3am to sneak in. 

Ashton was then looking past Calum and looking nervously at Michael, knowing that the man didn’t want him here, then he was finally focusing on Calum. 

Calum actually felt his hand moving, wanting to reach out and touch Ashton so badly, but at the same time he just wanted him to leave and go far away. He hated that he could never settle on a single feeling when it came to Ashton. 

“Can you please talk to me, Cal?” Ashton whispered and now that he was up close Calum could see that the man looked just as miserable as he felt. Calum didn’t want to talk but he also felt like he owed Ashton something with all that he had put him through. 

Calum nodded and Ashton’s face seemed to light up for a few seconds before he was going back to normal and he was standing up. It was as if for just a second he forgot everything that had happened and Calum wished he could feel that too. 

Calum put his legs over the side and then he was wrapping the blanket around himself, knowing that he would need it for comfort, then he was following Ashton downstairs. 

Calum looked around the living room that he had spent most of his day in today and it somehow felt even more depressing now that Ashton was here. 

Ashton used to be his safe place, the one person who could make him feel happy no matter and now that wasn’t the case. Calum felt empty around Ashton, he felt out of place and lonely and these new feelings were making him wish even more that things could go back to normal. 

The hardest part was Calum was the one who changed, not Ashton. 

Calum swallowed hard and started to feel nervous as Ashton was sitting on the couch and looking over at him. Any other time Calum would sit right next to Ashton, always wanting to be close to him, but now he was walking to sit on the couch that was across from the man and he acted like he didn’t see the sadness in Ashton’s eyes. 

“I just want to explain myself” Ashton started with and Calum could tell how much Ashton was trying to be strong. 

Calum then realized that he really didn’t want Ashton to explain himself; he had heard enough. 

“I can’t-” Calum shook his head and he already started to feel himself breaking down “I can’t hear you reject me twice, Ashton” 

Calum looked up to see Ashton flicking his eyes up and down as his mouth was halfway open and he wanted to know what was going through his head. 

“I’m not going to reject you, Cal” Ashton said calmly then he was taking a deep breath and seeming like he was going to take another route “I just want us to be okay. I need to know that we can move on from this because I can’t fucking lose you” 

“Move on from what?” Calum felt something that he hadn’t felt towards Ashton ever: anger “Move on from the fact that I’m in love with you and you aren’t in love with me? It’s not something that I can just get over in one day. It’s not that easy” 

Ashton was stunned into silence for a few seconds before he was trying to recover. 

“No..I know, Calum” Ashton still spoke so softly but Calum could feel anger boiling in his stomach “I don’t expect that but I need you to know that I still care about you; I’ll always care about you and I’ll always be here for you” Ashton was stopping and closing his eyes and looking down at the floor and Calum felt all of his anger going out the window “Just please promise me that you won’t push me away”

Calum actually moved in his seat, wanting to sit next to Ashton and hold him but he knew that it would only make things worse for himself. 

“I won’t push you away, Ash” Calum whispered and he quickly wiped a tear off of his face. 

Calum began to think that he wouldn’t ever push Ashton away because of how much he needed him in his life but he decided to keep that part to himself. He had let out enough of his feelings and it only ended up freaking Ashton out. 

Ashton was then looking up at Calum again as he leaned forward and Calum was quick to look somewhere else, not being able to handle looking at the sadness in his eyes. 

“I know I need to give you time and I will for as long as you need it, okay?” Ashton was doing that thing once again where he always made Calum feel so safe and Calum just nodded and wrapped himself more tightly in his blanket. 

He looked up and Ashton just looked so gorgeous, with his sad eyes and messy hair, Calum could feel himself getting even more lost in the man's eyes and he knew he had to get away. 

“I umm” Calum started to get anxious “I should get back to sleep” 

“Yeah” Ashton said quickly “Yeah, of course” 

Calum didn’t want to wait another second so he was standing up while Ashton was still sitting there. 

“Calum…” Calum stopped but didn’t turn around as he was almost to the stairs “When I call or text you, will you answer?” 

He just sounded so scared that Calum wouldn’t respond to him and Calum understood why. Just like Ashton Calum would always answer texts or calls from the other man even if it was in the middle of the night and Calum understood why Ashton had been so hurt when he hadn’t responded to him all day. 

“I will” Calum nodded and he looked to the side a bit to see Ashton looking at him “Night” 

Saying goodnight to Ashton has never felt so foreign. Maybe it was because usually Ashton would be going to bed with him and then when they were lying in bed they would say goodnight to each other right before they dozed off. 

“Night, Cal” Ashton mumbled and Calum looked back to see him leaning forward as he looked down at the floor and Calum hated that all of this seemed like the end of their close relationship but Calum forced himself to not think that. He had to let Ashton know that he still wanted their friendship to stay the same but he didn’t know how. 

Calum started to take steps slowly, hoping that his brain would start working properly so he could say one last thing to Ashton so that he didn’t leave Michael’s feeling so sad. Calum had never seen his friend look so miserable and he hated it. 

“I promise I won’t let this break us” was what Calum decided on saying and he was actually surprised how accurate it matched up with what he was thinking; He had always had a hard time translating his feelings into words. 

After taking a deep breath Calum looked back down to the living room and Ashton was looking at him like he was zoning out on his face; like his eyes were focused on Calum but he was thinking of something very hard. 

“I can’t lose you, Cal” Ashton said once again, like he just wanted to keep letting Calum know that and Calum shivered at the intensity of his voice “And I’m so sorry that I can’t love you back the way that you love me; I wish I could more than anything” 

“Ash” Calum whispered, not wanting him to continue but he knew Ashton hadn’t heard him. 

“I love you though...p-please tell me that you know that” at the sound of Ashton’s voice cracking Calum sniffled and tried to stop his sobbing by pressing the back of his hand against his mouth. 

“Yeah” was all that Calum said before he was fast walking all the way up the stairs and then basically running back to Michael’s room; as far away from Ashton that he could get.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy...I didn't want to post this until I had chapter 3 finished but I feel like its taking too long. I haven't written much lately honestly because there's a new person in my life that I really fucking care about (I've caught feelings bad guys) and he's seriously all I can focus on. I am really gonna try to write soon though cause I really like this fic. This is depressing as fuck I'm sorry but it needed to happen. Love you guys

Calum never would have imagined that one phone call could bring his whole life to a screeching halt, that his heart would feel like it had stopped and been torn out of his chest just because Michael answered the phone and ended up just dropping it to the floor after he said his goodbyes. 

Calum could tell that something was wrong as soon as Michael answered the phone because the smile on his face faded instantly and he just stared out into space as the person on the other end spoke to him. 

When Michael did hang up he looked so numb and Calum kept asking over and over who it was and what the phone call was about but Michael seemed to be not even hearing him. 

When Michael did finally speak Calum felt like he wasn’t even breathing and time seemed to stop after that. He can’t remember leaving the house or getting in the car and he couldn’t remember walking into the hospital either. It was all a blur and Calum just sat in the cold hospital chair as they awaited to hear something from the doctors. 

Calum had been staring at the same spot on the wall for god knows how long and it seemed like Michael, who was sitting next to him, hadn’t moved much either.

Even if Calum did feel like talking he wouldn’t even know what to say. He never would have imagined that his best friend would be in a hospital bed, unconscious, while he was sitting here feeling so useless. 

Calum knew that he wasn’t a doctor and he couldn’t just heal Ashton but he wanted to be in the room with Ashton right now. He wanted to be holding the man's hand and talking to him, just praying that Ashton could hear him. He just didn’t want to be sitting in his chair any longer and he started to get very anxious as he kept moving his leg up and down. 

He finally tore his eyes away from the spot on the wall and he looked at Ashton’s mother instead, which was way worse he realized. The poor woman was staring at the door that led back to Ashton’s room like she didn’t even want to look away because the doctor could come through the doors with hopefully good news at any second. 

Calum wanted that too but it had been hours and they hadn’t heard a single thing. Calum wasn’t going to let himself lose faith though because faith was the only thing that was even holding him together right now, faith that Ashton was going to pull through and that he was going to leave this hospital healthy and happy. 

Calum looked beside at Michael and he usually wouldn’t look at people's phone but he couldn’t help but glance down at it as Michael typed away. Calum could see that Michael was talking to his mother and Calum knew how close Michael was with his parents and how much he wished that they were here right now, unfortunately they were out of town and wouldn’t be home for weeks. 

Calum wished that he had a close relationship with his mother but it was a bit hard when she was never around. He knew that he really needed some comforting from her right now more than ever. 

The ticking clock was beginning to drive him crazy and every person that passed them was either in a wheelchair or on a stretcher and it was driving Calum insane. It was all so depressing and scary and he felt himself quickly standing up. 

“Where are...you going?” Michael mumbled from behind him and Calum turned around to see that Michael’s eyes still had red rings around them from him crying earlier. Calum hadn’t cried though; his mind was racing too much to focus on his own emotions. 

“Just gotta walk around a little” Calum said honestly and Michael slowly nodded at him before he went back to looking at his lap, his phone now black. 

Calum glanced at Ashton’s mother and other family members one more time before he was stepping out of the waiting room and beginning to roam the almost desolate halls. 

The white floors and walls seemed to all blur into one and as Calum got walking he realized how tired he really was, considering it was 4am, but he would not let himself fall asleep until he knew that Ashton was okay. 

Calum ended up going outside to sit on one of the benches and the cold air was hurting his face as he put his feet on the sidewalk. 

He sat down at a bench not far from the main doors and he looked up at the tall hospital building where all the windows were lit up and every now and then he could see people walk past them. 

Cars were honking on the freeway that was behind him and he could hear faint voices from the parking lot and he was glad that there was more action out here than in the waiting room because the silence in there was about driving him insane. 

He knew that he should have been in there with Michael but he just needed this small amount of time by himself...maybe to cry, he didn’t know. 

Calum looked to his right to see an older woman walking towards him and then she was sitting down across from him on the other bench while she had a Subway bag in his hand and a drink in the other. 

Calum thought that the woman looked pretty miserable too and Calum figured she was here for someone she loved too. 

“What’re you in for?” 

Calum looked back up at the voice and he thought it was a pretty personal question to ask but Calum thought that maybe talking about it might help. 

“My best friend was in a car accident” he mumbled and the woman just frowned. 

“Well everything happens for a reason” the woman said back and Calum had to refrain from rolling his eyes at that. He had heard that saying a lot and he never thought it was true. He began to think of all the kids who get diagnosed with cancer and he knows there can’t possibly be a reason for that. He didn’t think there was a reason that Ashton would get in a car accident either so he honestly thought that saying was utter bullshit. 

“I’m not sure I believe that right now” Calum said, anger clear in his voice and he was looking up at the windows again but he could feel the woman looking at him. 

“And you think it’s your fault?” the woman said it like she already knew the answer was yes and Calum widened his eyes a bit. 

Ashton had come to see Calum in the middle of the night and Calum knew that if Ashton hadn’t come to Michael’s then he would have never been driving that night...so yes Calum felt completely responsible for the accident and it was making everything so much worse. 

“Yeah” Calum mumbled. 

“Something good will come from this; I can sense it” she said and Calum actually did roll his eyes at that. He hated those people who thought that they could tell the future or predict certain things and he hated how this hippie lady was trying to convince him that everything would be okay because nothing about this situation was even close to being okay. 

“We’ll see” Calum mumbled and he knew he was being rude but he was just so upset; upset with himself and just life for doing this to him. 

In his peripheral vision he could see the woman grabbing her cane and beginning to stand up and Calum kept looking to the ground. 

“You have a good day” she said back happily and Calum mumbled a “you too” before he was back to being by himself and wallowing in his own sadness. 

*

Only a few more minutes went by before Calum was standing up and walking back into the hospital. He just started to get scared that the doctor was going to come in and tell them how Ashton was doing and he would miss it. He had to be there for that. 

He made a pitstop at the cafeteria to grab a coffee, merely to keep himself awake, and a hot chocolate for Michael if he wanted it. 

As he was walking back into the waiting room he could see the everyone was exactly where they were when he left and he felt relieved but also sad at the same time that they hadn’t received any news about Ashton. 

Calum slumped back in his chair beside Michael and the boy was still looking down at the floor, not even noticing Calum, and it was obvious how terrible Michael was feeling. 

Michael’s sadness about this happening was different than Calum’s because Calum knew that Michael felt bad for treating Ashton the way that he had before. Calum just hoped that Michael knew that it would be the last thing on Ashton’s mind when he woke up. 

Calum patted Michael’s knee, getting no response, and sat his coffee and the hot chocolate on the table between them and he just really wished that he could cuddle into Michael right now. He needed his friends comfort so badly but he knew that he had to give Michael some space right now since he was being so unresponsive. 

The doors that led out into the hall and Calum was instantly sitting up in the chair as a doctor was walking through them. Calum tried desperately to read the man's facial expression to see if he could tell if they would get good news or bad news but the man's face seemed emotionless and that made Calum feel so much more nervous. 

“How is he?” Anne was crying out as she stood up from her chair and Calum’s heart hurt so bad for her; the desperation and fear in her eyes was heartbreaking. 

Calum was instantly looking to the doctor and awaiting his response as he stuck his hands in his white coat. It seemed like hours had gone by before he started speaking and Calum knew that Michael felt the same way judging from the way his knee was bouncing up and down and he was viciously chewing on his nails. 

“He is going to pull through and he should be waking up very soon” 

A weight was lifted off of Calum and he was so glad that the doctor started off by saying that instead of listing everything else that was wrong with him; the man could probably sense how tense the room was. 

“Can I see him?” that was Anne again and Calum opened his mouth, wanting to ask if he could see him too but he knew the rules; knew that only family could see the patient and his heart started to hurt again. He just wanted to see Ashton so bad and be able to hold him because even if though the doctor had said that he was okay somewhere in the back of Calum’s mind he was still scared that the boy wasn’t alright at all.   
“You can see him but just family for now” the doctor spoke and Calum felt himself shrinking back into his seat. Ashton was so close to him but yet he was stuck here in this horrible waiting room. 

“Is everything gonna go back to normal after this?” came a small voice and Calum pursed his lips together before looking over to see Ashton’s younger brother looking so hopeful. 

The doctor looked to Anne first, as if asking for permission to tell him about Ashton, and she nodded sadly. Calum was happy that Harry asked that because he wanted to know the exact same thing. 

“He suffered from a very bad head injury so we aren’t completely sure how he will be when he wakes up” the doctor spoke in a slightly softer tone when speaking to the young child. 

As soon as Calum heard “very bad head injury” his brain automatically started thinking of the worst things like maybe Ashton would have to relearn everything. Calum rubbed at his eyes and sniffled just at the thought of Ashton having to go through something like that. 

Calum must have zoned out because when he looked up the doctor and Anne were already gone and he looked over to see Michael looking so relieved as he was leaning back in the chair and looking a lot less tense than before. 

“You boys should head home” said a deep voice in front of them and Calum looked up to see a man that he was pretty sure was Ashton’s uncle “You two looked exhausted” 

Calum didn’t respond, too emotionally tired to even say anything. 

“He’s right” when Michael spoke his voice was rough sounding and Calum looked over to see him rubbing at his eyes. 

“No” Calum mumbled while he shook his head “I want to stay here” 

“Come on, Cal” Michael said softly as he rubbed at Calum’s arm “We need to get some sleep; we’ll come back early tomorrow” 

“I want to be here when he wakes up” Calum said, speaking more stern this time. He just needed Michael to know that he didn’t want to leave the hospital. Even if he did go home he knew he wouldn’t get any sleep with how worried he was about his best friend. 

“You won’t be able to see him even if he does wake up tonight” Michael said with a bit of an attitude but Calum didn’t hold it against him. They were both stressed and exhausted; besides, he knew Michael was right. 

“I still want to be here” Calum whispered as he let out a breath and looked down at the floor.  
“Calum-” Michael began more softly this time but Calum was quick to cut him off. 

“Michael, you can go home and sleep; I’m staying here” Calum looked him in the eye this time and Michael looked down at him, seeming like he wanted to try harder before he was letting out a sigh and nodding. 

“Fine...okay” Michael lowered his voice “I’ll be here in the morning” 

Calum tried his hardest to smile at Michael, despite how depressed he was, then he was watching as Michael left the waiting room area and went back out into the hall. 

Calum sunk down in his chair as other relatives of Ashton’s started to leave, knowing that he was okay and knowing that Anne would probably want to stay in the room with him all night anyways. Calum was so jealous of her. He would have given anything to just sit in there with Ashton and hold his hand as he was asleep and maybe somehow Ashton would know he was there. 

Soon, after he was alone in the waiting room, the bright fluorescent lights above him started to turn fuzzy before he would jolt and open his eyes wide again. This went on for several minutes before Calum just couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer. Ashton’s face was the last thing that he saw before he went to sleep. 

*

Calum was barely awake as he felt a hand on his shoulder, just softly tapping at it, and he could faintly hear a voice but he was still half asleep so he couldn’t make out who it was or what they were saying. 

His back and legs felt sore from sleeping in the plastic hospital chair in an upright position all night and he when he tried to move he felt one his knees crack and he groaned a bit before stiling again. He felt like someone had pushed him down the stairs and he began to regret not at least laying down on the couch that was against the window. 

“Cal” the voice came again and this time Calum could tell it was a woman. 

The hand on his shoulder was gone and he slowly started to blink his eyes open. The lights were fuzzy just like they were last night before he passed out from exhaustion but soon they were becoming so bright that it made Calum squint “Calum hun, did you sleep here all night?” 

The voice was from Anne and Calum just nodded as he looked at her standing above him, it didn’t look like she had gotten any sleep at all last night and Calum didn’t blame her; If Calum wasn’t so weak he would have stayed up all night too. 

“Come with me, Calum” she said before she was looking backward like she was checking to see if anyone else was around and Calum was confused but he stood up anyways. 

He wobbled a little as he did so but he was cracking his bones and then taking steps with Anne.

He didn’t know where they were going but he just knew he needed to get out of this waiting room. 

They began walking down the empty halls where a nurse would occasionally walk by them and Calum yawned as he started to become more curious as to where Anne was taking him. Her being a mother and all she was probably taking him to get some food at the cafeteria and Calum couldn’t deny that he was starving. 

They passed a large window when they came to a fork in the hall and Calum took in the sight of the grey sky where fog was lingering and he could tell it was still quite early in the morning. 

They were then turning and Calum realized that this wasn’t the way to the cafeteria. 

He was about to ask where they were going but then Anne was stopping by a door and looking back to Calum and Calum understood and widened his eyes. 

“I was told specifically that only family can see him right now but I know you need to see him, Cal and maybe-” she sniffled and Calum wanted to reach out to her “maybe you being there will help him wake up. You two have always had a special bond” she ended the last sentence with a chuckle but Calum couldn’t even smile; he just felt so drained. 

“O-okay” Calum said dumbly, not knowing what else to say as he nodded quickly. 

Anne offered him a small smile before she was turning to face the door again and time seemed to stop as she began to open it. 

Calum stood frozen in the hallway as he looked at his best friend lying in the plain white room in bed that was slightly perched upwards. 

It almost didn’t even look like Ashton as his skin was pale and his hair was flat and pressed against his forehead.

Calum felt his feet moving without remembering that he did so and as he got closer he could see the tube under Ashton’s nose and the band on his wrist. 

He felt sick to his stomach when he could see the cuts and bruises that littered his best friend’s skin and Calum felt himself scrunching his eyes shut and putting his head towards the floor as he now stood at the foot of Ashton’s bed. 

“He’s okay, Cal. He’s okay” Anne soothed as she rubbed at Calum’s back and Calum felt himself breaking. It was like when he was younger and he would be right on the brink of crying and then his mother would ask in her soft voice if he was okay and he would just lose all control and start crying. 

Calum held a hand over his mouth as he bent forward a little and put his palm on the bed, just to hold himself up, and he felt Anne trying to comfort him as if she was his own mother. 

Calum hiccuped and felt his cheeks getting wetter as he looked back up at Ashton and he just looked like he was in such bad shape. 

He somehow didn’t have any casts on but his face was banged up and there seemed to be more bruises than skin and Calum just wanted to hold him so badly. 

“C-can I-” Calum whimpered as he just gestured to Ashton and somehow Anne knew what he was talking about. 

“Yes, of course” she said quickly and Calum watched here going to the chair that was on the right side of Ashton, so close that it was touching the bed, and she was moving her purse. 

She was then moving the chair slightly away from the bed so Calum could get to it and Calum took small steps, as he kept his eyes on Ashton. 

As he sat down in the chair he just watched the way that Ashton’s chest was moving up and down under his hospital gown merely to calm himself and let himself know that Ashton was okay. 

Calum looked back to see Anne putting her purse over her shoulder and then she was softly smiling at him. 

“I’m gonna make a few calls and get something to eat for when Harry and Lauren wake up” she said and it was then that Calum looked past her and saw the two kids sleeping on the small couch. 

Calum just nodded and then he was quickly looking back to Ashton. 

“You can talk to him if you want” she added as she had her hand on the door knob and Calum just nodded at her slowly and could see her walking out in the corner of his vision. 

He let out a breath when she left, realizing that he was basically all alone with Ashton now. 

Calum was hesitant, afraid that he would somehow hurt Ashton even more, as he moved his hand forward and softly took Ashton’s hand to clasp with his. 

He let out a breath and rubbed his thumb against Ashton’s skin, just hoping that it would somehow comfort Ashton even though he was asleep but it was comforting Calum too, just being able to touch Ashton.

It didn’t even seem like this was Ashton’s laying in front of him and Calum had to calm down his breathing before he was opening his mouth to speak. 

“Fuck, I thought I lost you, Ash” he whispered as it was the first thing that came to his mind. He was going crazy in the waiting room thinking that Ashton was never going to wake up and even though the doctors insisted that Ashton was fine and that he would be waking up soon there was still something in the back of Calum’s mind that was telling him that everything wouldn’t be okay. 

“I know that if you were awake you would be telling me to get my ass home and sleep” Calum did a dry chuckle, almost being able to hear Ashton saying that to him “but I just can’t until I know that you’re going to be okay” 

Calum looked up at Ashton’s blank face and Calum knew everyone frowned in their sleep but he swears that he had never looked at Ashton this long without seeing a smile on his beautiful face. It seemed so unnatural to see Ashton like this and Calum kept rubbing his thumb against Ashton’s skin, reminding himself that this was his best friend. 

All Calum wanted to do right now was crawl onto the bed with Ashton and lay his head on the man's chest but they hadn’t even done that when Ashton was awake so Calum didn’t want Ashton to freak out or something; plus he didn’t want to possibly hurt him. 

He instead just scooted his chair closer to the bed so his knees were touching it then he was bending down to press a kiss to Ashton’s knuckles before he was laying his head right down by Ashton’s hip, still holding his hand, as he started to let his eyes closed. 

He had fell asleep early this morning so he hadn’t gotten much sleep, he knew he would want to be rested up for when Ashton woke up. 

Calum was already starting to fall asleep, being so exhausted, when he swore he felt something move against his hand. 

He flicked his eyes open and just stared at the bed sheet, too tired to move his eyes anywhere else, and he figured it was just his own hand twitching. 

That was until it happened again and this time Calum was sure it wasn’t his own hand. 

He sat up quickly and he felt the squeeze on his hand again but Ashton’s eyes were still closed. 

“Ash” Calum whimpered, feeling himself breaking down again “Ash, can you hear me?” 

Ashton didn’t respond or open his eyes but soon he was moving his hand again and even moving his arm closer to his body and Calum widened his eyes as he just stared at the man in shock. 

“Holy shit” Calum gasped out loud and he swore he heard some rustling on the couch behind him but he didn’t tear his eyes away from his best friend. 

Calum lightly squeezed Ashton’s hand and within a second Ashton’s eyes were flicking open but he squinted his eyes when he saw how bright the lights were and Calum wished he could dim them for him. 

“Ash, how are you feeling?” Calum asked softly and Ashton was just looking all around the room now and not paying attention to Calum but Calum was just so happy that he was awake. 

“Ashy” came a soft voice behind him and Calum turned his head to see Harry standing up from the couch, rubbing his eyes as he slowly walked towards the bed while Lauren was still asleep “What’s wrong with him?” Harry asked Calum and Calum bit his lip before he was looking back to Ashton who still looked utterly confused about his surroundings. Calum figured that he just didn’t remember the crash and that was for the best. 

“He’s just a bit confused; he’ll come to” Calum promised Harry but the boy didn’t look too convinced as he just hovered at the foot of the bed. 

Calum looked back to Ashton to see the man looking straight at Harry and Calum was holding his breath, hoping he would say something. 

“Ashy, do you want something to drink?” Harry asked and Calum smiled, thinking it was so cute that he was asking his older brother if he was thirsty. 

Calum watched as Ashton softly smiled and Calum felt so much better. It wasn’t his normal smile, it was more tired looking, but it still gave Calum a warm feeling. 

“I’m okay, bub” Ashton’s voice was rough and Calum let out a breath, so relieved to be hearing his voice. 

Calum squeezed Ashton’s hand again and the man was instantly looking over at him. 

“Do you remember anything that happened, Ash?” Calum asked and it seemed like forever that Ashton just stared at him and it was scaring Calum to death. 

Calum looked over at Harry with a worried face and Harry looked so shocked that Ashton wasn’t responding. 

“Ash” Calum practically whimpered out and he that happy feeling was slowly fading. 

Ashton was staring at Calum with that confused look for a little while more before he was averting his eyes downward where him and Calum were still holding hands. 

Within an instant Ashton was retracting his hand as if he had been burned and Calum felt like his heart had just dropped to his stomach; he had no idea what was happening but he needed it to stop. 

Calum fell back in his chair and stared at Ashton with wide eyes but Ashton was now looking back over at Harry and his face had dramatically changed now that he wasn’t looking at Calum; Calum felt sick to his stomach. 

The door was suddenly opening and in came a nurse with Anne trailing right behind but Calum felt frozen as he stared at the side of Ashton’s face. 

“Oh, sweetheart” Anne said with a smile on her face but there were tears in her eyes as she rushed to the side of Ashton’s bed “Do you hurt? You hungry? How are you feeling?” 

“My head hurts” Ashton mumbled and Calum bent over and felt like he was actually going to throw up. Here Ashton was talking normally to everyone else but he didn’t even want Calum to hold his hand and Calum was just so hurt and lost. 

“I’m sorry guys but I’m gonna have to ask you to step outside the room for a little bit” the nurse began and Calum panicked; he needed more time with Ashton and he had to know why his best friend wasn’t talking to him “I just have to do a few tests on him” 

“Okay” Anne said sadly and in the corner of Calum’s eye he could see Harry and Lauren now walking towards the door and he swore he heard Lauren say something to Ashton but he just couldn’t concentrate; so caught up in the way that Ashton had been looking at him before. 

“Mommy, something is wrong with Ashton” 

The only reason Calum heard that was because the voice was right next to him and Calum looked to the side to see Harry standing above him with a hand on his arm like the boy was trying to comfort him. 

“Harry, what do you mean?” Anne said slowly and Calum looked up to see her looking worried again and the nurse was looking just as concerned as she also focused on Harry. 

“He won’t talk to Calum” Harry answered and Calum squeezed his eyes shut as he tried to slow his breathing down but it wasn’t working. He could feel his throat closing and he just wanted all of this to be over with.   
When Calum opened his eyes again his vision was blurry from the tears in his eyes but when it became clear again Anne was looking back and forth between him and Ashton with wide eyes. 

“Ashton” Anne put her hand on his arm and Calum watched as Ashton looked up at her “Honey, why won’t you talk to Calum?” 

Calum held his breath as he waited for Ashton to answer and the man just kept closing and opening his mouth again. 

Suddenly Ashton was looking over at Calum and Calum sat up straight as he awaited the man's voice. 

Ashton was then looking back to Anne in a quick movement. 

“Who is he?” 

*

When Calum came to he was in the hallway rocking himself back and forth and he could feel a arm around his shoulder as he had his face pressed into his knees. 

He had completely zoned out after Ashton spoke but now it was all coming back to him, what Ashton’s words really meant, and he could feel his whole body shaking.

He thought that Ashton not loving him back had broken his heart but knowing that his best friend didn’t even know who he was was literally killing him from the inside and he literally felt like his entire world was caving in around him. 

He could hear a soft voice beside him and he knew the person who was trying to comfort him was Lauren. He felt pathetic that some girl who was practically a kid to him was trying to make him feel better but he just couldn’t hold it together right now. 

It felt like he had lost his best friend and he basically did since Ashton didn’t even know who he was. 

“What is going on? Is Ashton okay?” came a booming voice and Calum instantly recognized it as Michael and it was no offense to Lauren but he just really wanted to feel Michael’s touch right now. 

Calum looked up to see Michael looking just as exhausted as he did last night before he left, as if he didn’t get any sleep last night and Calum didn’t expect anything else from someone who was also Ashton’s best friend. 

Michael instantly knew that something was wrong as soon as he saw the state that Calum was in and Lauren was rubbing at Calum’s shoulder one more time before she was standing up and that was when Michael rushed to crouch down in front of Calum. 

“Cal, talk to me” Michael said in the softest voice and Calum felt himself breaking down once again as his shoulders started to shake and he leaned forward to bury his face in Michael’s neck. 

“Mikey” he whimpered out and Michael’s arms were instantly wrapping around him as he held the boy tight “He doesn’t know who I am” Calum said and this made him start sobbing again as he clung onto Michael’s shirt like his life depended on it. 

Calum felt Michael tense up at his words and then Michael was backing up a bit to look at Calum. 

Michael’s eyes were red and Calum could see the tear stains on his cheeks as he took Calum’s face in his hands. 

“You mean he-” Michael shook his head, seeming like he didn’t want to believe what Calum was telling him “He lost his memory?” 

“Not fully” Calum sniffled and rubbed his face against Michael’s hand, he was soaking in all of the affection that he could “He remembers his family...he just doesn’t remember me” 

That caused Calum to let out a few more sobs and then Michael was bringing him to his chest again. 

“We’re gonna get through this, Calum” Michael promised but Calum wasn’t sure that he believed him right now. 

Calum and Michael both jumped when the sound of a door opening close to them echoed through the silent hallway and they looked to see a nurse and a doctor coming out of Ashton’s room. 

The nurse went her own way down the hall with the clipboard but the doctor was going over to Anne with a frown on her face and Calum and Michael were both standing up and walking over to them. 

The doctor was about to speak but then he was eyeing Michael and Calum in a strange way like he was wondering why they were next to him. 

“These are Ashton’s best friends” Anne was quick to say “Do you know why he doesn’t remember certain things?” 

Calum was so glad that Anne was getting straight to the point and he took a deep breath, waiting for the man to reply and just praying to every God that Ashton’s memory loss was just temporary.   
“Ashton seems to think that he is still fifteen years old” the doctor spoke and Michael and Calum both felt their stomachs drop “I began asking him questions and he told that he turned fifteen today. He only remembers what happened before his fifteenth birthday which means he has no recollection of anything that has happened in these past 3 years ” 

Memories started flooding into Calum’s head and he almost dropped to the floor but Michael was quick to grab onto Calum, knowing exactly why he was freaking out so much. 

“Oh my god” that was Lauren and Calum could feel her eyes on him “Calum...you met him only a week after his 15th birthday” 

Lauren had been there when Ashton and Calum had first met. Calum had gotten a job at a pizzeria, that happened to be Ashton’s favorite place to eat, and Calum still remembers losing his breath when Ashton came up to the counter, Lauren next to him. 

Ashton had said his order and Calum had almost not even heard him, being so mesmerized by this literal ray of sunshine in front of him. It was something that Calum would never forget. 

“He was so close to remembering me” Calum whispered and his voice was muffled and he realized that he was now cuddled into Michael’s chest. 

“Fuck” Michael sighed as he rubbed at Calum’s back and Calum knew that Michael was trying to comfort himself as well. 

“Is it temporary?” Anne asked and Calum looked over to see Harry and Lauren glued to her side. 

“We have no way of knowing that; I’m sorry” the man spoke and Calum buried his head in Michael’s chest again. 

The doctor continued to speak about how his family should be careful about what they tell him and all of that stuff but Calum just zoned out, only being able to think about the fact that his best friend and love of his life had no clue who he was.


	3. NOT A CHAPTER (I'm sorry)

I didn't want to have to do this because it tricks people into thinking there is a new chapter when there isn't   
but I didn't know how else you guys would see it since obviously not all of you follow me on tumblr. 

Basically there is a very small chance that I will be finishing this story or even writing fic in general again. 

Back in February I had someone come into my life that means more to me than anyone ever has like words can't  
describe how much he means to me but basically I was so focused on him that I couldn't write. 

It was good for a few months but he quickly turned toxic to me and I ended up having to cut him off   
and it was the hardest time I've ever gone through. I had to start taking my anti depressants again  
and I started therapy again because I was that bad off but nothing was helping. I just needed him back. 

Then about a month ago he reached out to me and asked to come back into my life and I allowed him to because I just can't   
let go no matter how bad I know he is for me. For starters the difference between us is night and day. I   
have never met someone more different than me in my entire life.

Somehow in dealing with all of this I have lost my ability to write and trust me I have tried and tried. I even got a   
great idea for a fic and had the whole thing planned out and everything but I just could not write it. 

Writing was one of the few things that really brought me joy and that I was pretty good at so I can't even stress to you  
guys how upset I am that this has happened but it is what it is and even if I completely got this guy out of my life   
right now and out of my head I feel like I still wouldn't gain back my writing skill for quite some time because he has affected me   
that much. 

There is much more to this story so if you are curious then you can message me on tumblr and I will give you more of   
an idea of what happened but I just feel bad for leaving you guys hanging like this. I'm just not in a good place and I   
haven't been in months. This guy has literally changed me as a person and I don't think I will ever be quite the same as  
dramatic as that sounds. 

I just want to say thank you guys for supporting my fics for so long. Some of you have been here since my first fic   
and even the ones that haven't I am so grateful for you. The compliments and support has been so amazing and I really   
am going to miss this.


End file.
